My little brother has been fighting a serious addiction to alcohol and narcotics since he was in middle school. Growing up we were best friends. We both skipped grades (I skipped four, he skipped only one to avoid hurting his chances to eventually play collegiate sports), we both had unusual senses of humor, and we both grew up in a household that had constant fighting and had been deeply affected by pervasive alcoholism from all sides. In short, we were unusual little kids, but it also meant we were inseparable. As we grew older, I struggled with severe anxiety and eating disorders, and he fell into substance abuse. While I was playing up the ways in which I was “different” to feel less isolated, he did the opposite—he withdrew and did everything he could to pretend to be an average kid. The problem with that was that he just wasn’t—he’s a goofy, funny, brilliant, athletic, talented, sensitive, natural leader, and blending in just made him lose sight of how much he was and is worth as a person. The first time he went to rehab I wrote him a letter. This is the end of the letter, and the reason for the tattoo:
“It’s like that old story, ‘The Ugly Duckling.’ You and I were both ugly ducklings. In fact, we were both HIDEOUS ducklings. Like, the most deformed ducklings to ever come out of an egg. And we knew we didn’t look like all the other ducklings…..and we didn’t like it so much. Then one day I realized I wasn’t really a duckling, I was a goose (obviously I am not a swan. I’m sure you agree.). You didn’t want to be a goose though. You just kept trying and trying to be a duckling until finally you had everyone convinced, and no one had to know that you weren’t really a duck. Except me. I know you’re a goose. You’re as big of a goose as I am. And you can’t fool me. You can try your hardest, but I will always know you’re a goose not a duck. And that’s what I love about you. That’s why we were best friends when we were little. You’re a goose just like me!
You said in your letter that you were a jerk to me and that we don’t really have a friendship. Now I’m saying to you that that doesn’t matter. I know my goose is in there somewhere, and I don’t mind waiting for it to find its way out. And I am always going to be your best friend. Sometimes you’ll forget, and sometimes you won’t want me to be, but I always will be. And I always was.”
So this tattoo is for you, buddy. You’re a fighter and I’m proud of you, kid. Always proud of you.
